I truely had the most horrendous adolesence you can imaine.It’s too far back in time for me to put the bits and pieces together.There are memories and scars which I will briefly recount and cant fathom the answers to several questions .No need to know the why’s and wherefor’s now and many of the problems I encountered must surely have been the stuff of all adolosents of that time.However let me lay them down as I saw them ;
I carried a very low sense of self esteem and a deep sense of insecurity — where did this come from ? I was for most times I can remember lonely with frequent bouts of depression.There where times ,I was later told,when I went through days on end immersed in my own thoughts and not saying a word to any one .I harboured a deep sense of dissapointment in myself — now where did that come from , considering I had loads of talent and was way above average in almost every facit of life.I had a deep desire to succeed in life and remained paranoid about this almost all through my career.It would be a drab recital of my youth and maladjustments if I tried to get to the root of these issues; enough to say I was a completely maladjusted adoloscent– a boy interupted if you may say so.
I would place the root of my problems to some of the following with out any qualification and purely from hindsight and the wisdom of age.
I did not have companionship of my age with whom I could share and reconcile to the pains and pang of growing up.Nor could I share my troubles with either parents or a role model or mentor.The lack of a mentor or life coach was a huge drawback which set me back in personal developement by at least a decade or two.I had huge aspirations but no goals , no game plans and neither the guidance of a mentor or the wisdom to understand that life is all about choices and I had the full ability to make my own choices and shape the course of my life and career.
My family , and particularly, my mother had a very strong influence in our lives, unfortunately in ways not always good for us .Bless her soul .That’s where I would lay my bet was the cause of the deep rooted insecurity I carried for decades , or the inhibited behaviour or the excessive concern for living life the way others decided it should be .That I guess is the reason for such a big sense of relieve when I left home for my first job in B’lore . I will revert to quoting snatch from the diary of that turbulent time just to relive the major concerns and feelings I carried during those formative days in an unedited flash back.