Here are some unedited snatches ;
Febuary 14th ,1973
On the day before I feft home for B’lore I saw the girl who had occupied most of my thoughts all these years.In ’57 when she left with out a word , she left in me a huge void.She did return years later but the norms of our family and my own acute shyness kept me away from her .This time I left without a word but I wont be leaving any voids behind.I take them all with me .So as Dr Christian Barnard said ,’ So you grow older and life was measured not by birthdays or successive new years .It was a string of good byes .It was a race from the garden of childhood , a leap towards the unknow.’
Feb 28th ,1973
Of my own choosing I’ve decided to be a loner .Basically I am not a loner and the day cant be far off when I bloom out gregariously .Slowly but surely I must build up my confidence , curb my hype sensitivity and learn to achieve just that balance of the extrovert and the introvert which is so fetching in the successful.
I am lonely yet not gloomy.At home I was lonely too and time and again plunged into gloom.Who knows if gloom is round the corner?I always thought my blues where to a large extent because of my lonliness but now I’m begining to realise it was all due to my disappointment in myself.
March 27th 1973
I dream of greatness so much , yet I am in no way outstanding.I am just ordinary and I suppose not even my nearest friends would ever in the slightest measure see in me the greatness I wish to attain.I only wish I could bring forward the tenacity of purpose and industry needed to achieve any measure of success.
At a movie ,Secret of Santa Vittoria, I saw a girl sitting a few rows ahead of me .I found myself getting very attracted to her and I just could not keep myself from loking at her .Once she did turn around and saw me but after that didnt take much notice of me.It really is a very long time since I felt the warm glow around me on thinking affectionately about a girl .I wanted to see her again when the movie was over but missed her in the crowd.I walked away with the disconcerting thought that I would never see her again.Yet there was around me that happy feeling & tenderness that only a girl can evoke in a man.Truely it must be marvelous to be really in love.